Over the years I have heard many of our unhygenic neighbours refer to our iconic stadium as “Syd James Park” but the events last night at the Stadium of Shite were much, much, funnier than any Carry On film.
The hilarity started several days ago with the unwashed celebrating playing in the quarter finals of the FA Cup as if it was a feat worthy of a trophy in its own right. They busied themselves with discussing their Wembley plans and this then progressed to proclaiming how funny it will be when they qualify for Europe at our expense. But it was at 8.00pm yesterday that the real laughter started.
From when the teams walked out onto the pitch until the final whistle the mackems were out played, out battled, out managed and even out sung by their opposion. MON, the tactical genius, had his players zonal marking at corners, allowing one of the best headers of a ball, Cahill, a free run onto a few decent deliveries that should have resulted in a goal, and it was clear, even in the early stages of the game, that there was only one likely outcome.
It was Sunderland’s latest signing, Krgyiakos, that turned this British farce into a Greek tradegy when he decided to impersonate an Athenian statue allowing Everton to take the lead. Last night he looked almost Bramble-esque in his flat footedness.
Early in the second half MON proved just what a real comedy talent he is. He decided to bring on Vaughan, who can best be described as looking like the result of a drunken fumble between Edwina Currie and Peter Beardsley, and this was indeed a master stroke. Now they say that the art of great comedy is all down to the timing, and MON timed this to perfection. Within minutes of entering the contest, Golam, sorry, Vaughan, had every football fan in the country pissing themselves!! To be able to put the ball in the back of your own net with such style requires increadibly quick feet and perfect timing. I have not seen such amazing footwork since Audley Harrisson was on Strictly Come Dancing!!
As the game wore on the mackems did their best to present Everton with even more chances to extend their lead and the visitors should have really had 3 or 4.
Cattermole and Bardsley did what is expected of them, getting their handbags out when Neville put in a robust shoulder on McClean, who himself, has proved that he is not averse to putting in a nasty, sneaky challenge on the opposition when the opportunity presents itself. Catts and Bards reminded me of a couple of old ladies that you would see on ITV wrestling on saturday afternoons, trying to hit Mick MacManus with their bags. Shame that they did not show the same passion for winning the game.
ITV tried to interview vaughan after the match, but he was found crouching in a corner of the changing rooms clutching a crumpled picture of the FA Cup and mumbling “My precious” and trying to bite anyone who got with 3 feet of him. Instead, MON would only say that he had to now ask Elliss Short if the club’s floodlights could be left on during the daytime as Sunderland are now firmly back in Newcastle United’s shadow
The game had an unusual effect on the River Tyne. It nearly burst its banks with a sudden increase in the level of its urine content. This was the knock on effect of tens of thousands of Geordies absolutely pissing themselves between the hours of 8-10pm.
It also had repercussions in West London where the catering department at Wembley Stadium had already started preparations for providing 35,000 portions of cheesey chips as part of the mackems dietary requirements.